steve at portico

solitude in various places

2007-10-18T17:48:00.000-07:00

It's been several days since the "wiener dog incident". I've been out of town, working landscaping, and working on the ramp. So this is a make-up post to get things caught up.

THURS - 10/11 - SOLITUDE IN THE CAR
we drove to carlsbad, CA for a little camping by the beach. I had the boys and a friend with me in the trooper for the 6, no 7, no almost 8 hour drive (we made some stops). Spent some solitude time while the boys were doing their own thing during the drive. Meditated on the concept of Jesus as King - my source was several passages I had been reading as I was preparing to teach on Sun. I was considering what it means for me to follow a King.

SAT - 10/13 - SOLITUDE ON THE BLUFFS ABOVE THE BEACH
after spending the morning "surfing" (that's code for hanging on to a big blue rented board while the waves beat the breakfast out of me) i had some time alone in our campsite. it was on the bluffs overlooking the south carlsbad state beach. had read earlier about the eternal plan of God for Jesus to be King and so i reflected on His eternal nature. the ocean, for those who've seen it, seems to have no end, just like my King.

SUN - 10/14 - SOLITUDE BACK AT HOME AFTER OUR WEEKLY GATHERING
spent about an hour in solitude contemplating the color and texture of the inside of my eyelids (at least that's what i'm telling people!) few insights, discovered i needed more rest.

MON - 10/15 - SOLITUDE WHILE GETTING TIRES
trying to block out how much a new set of tires cost, i was reading "renovation of the heart" by that dallas willard. impacted by his statement that the ideal Christian life is "one where all of the essential parts of the human self are effectively organized around God" and "spiritual formation in Christ is the process leading to that ideal end." in other words, spiritual formation is the process of transforming me to live a life that is holistically (all of me in all i do) under the headship of Christ. all of me, in all i do.

THURS - 10/18 - SOLITUDE ON THE RAMP AT SKY HARBOR
had a break in the morning - no planes on the ground and a starbucks in hand - and was reading another willard book - hearing God. he wrote this "the watchword of the worthy servant is not mere obedience but love, from which appropriate obedience naturally flows." what does it mean to love God and allow obedience to be the response? how is it different than living obediently? what if i do everything right but do not really, at the end of the day, love Jesus?

this is a quick summary of the last few days - solitude in different environments, alone or in the midst of others, contemplating Scripture or the writings of others, but all with a clear focus on Jesus and a desire to truly know Him.

solitude and wiener dogs

2007-10-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

Our neighbors are out of town and we're dog sitting - a perfect opportunity for solitude. This morning I went over and sat on their deck overlooking the "lake" (i.e. oversized man-made canal) for some time of being alone. The neighbor's dogs are wiener dogs (canine wienerus, I think). You'd never guess a dog with less than an inch of ground clearance could jump on and run over furniture so easily. With their ears fully extended, they look like flying sausages! And when they land, no screeching, no bottoming out . . . that's some amazing suspension!!

In spite of the mini-circus flying all around me, I had a decent moment of solitude. My expectation for solitude is that I would have a time (30 min or more) of being alone so I can read and/or reflect on things of God - His Word, what He's doing in my life or in those around me. This is a time to reflect more deeply, to contemplate, even meditate, not just to take in or learn new information. No, this is a time to seek insight and understanding from the Holy Spirit so as to imbibe and indwell the things I've read or learned.

This morning I was focusing on passages that revealed Jesus as King (sounds like a great message topic!) and His Spirit led me to consider all kinds of implications this fact has in my life and in ours as a community. Later, when I was buying new tires, rather than contemplating the potential tread life or the load and speed ratings of several tires, I found I was still contemplating the thoughts from my time of solitude.

This was cool - a discipline breaking into my life rather than being confined to a place outside of life!

breathe - orchestra of noise

2007-10-07T08:15:00.001-07:00

Wed. I traveled to NY with Katie - silence on the plane was easy . . . except it was accompanied by SLEEP! the next 3 days were devoted largely to the wedding of Kim and James. so this morning i am sitting in my backyard seeking silence again.

it's peaceful, quiet. a few birds begin chirping as i read Titus and prepare my heart. as i close my eyes to reflect, to focus, i begin to understand how blind people have such alert hearing, for with my eyes closed i could distinguish every sound. first, the sound of a chainsaw at a neighbor's house (Echo 18in.45cc saw, i think), then the gentle whoosh of a gas blower. Next, a Honda Shadow throttled by as the neighbors' sprinklers went off (those RainJet valves are noisy!). then, to ruin all hope of silence, a car alarm tripped and i laughed to myself.

a silence, calm Sunday morning, and i struggle to experience5 minutes of silence. Maybe i started this wrong. maybe silence requires more than i'm able to offer right now. maybe simple solitude is a better place to start - to have time alone with God but engaging with Him, allowing my mind to be full for a time, active.

tomorrow - just solitude

silence - it's hard to do

2007-10-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

So these last 2 days I've discovered just how hard it is to find time/space to experience silence. the weekend was a whirl wind - non-stop - and Mon and today I worked long days and was too tired to even think about seeking silence (that is, apart from totally unconscious sleep!!). tonight I travel to NYC with Katie for a "day" trip. if i can stay awake . . . silence?

silence - next day

2007-09-28T23:39:00.000-07:00

I've got a plan this time. I'm going for a walk late at night (in just a few moments) and I'm hoping to experience silence. In the past I've found that I can be in a crowded and noisy place yet read or study undisturbed. But silence requires more than blocking out exterior distractions. As I found yesterday, the biggest distractions come from within.

so here's my plan - before leaving, I'm going to select a verse or brief passage to help me focus. i'll repeat it in my mind until i'm immersed in it - all other thoughts set aside. then i will see where God leads, what He says from there. if unrelated thoughts speak up, i'll repeat the passage again. hopefully i will experience, even if for only brief moments, a new type of silence.

hopefully i won't get hit by a car . . .

silence - day 2

2007-09-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

silence - this involves removing yourself from all noise and distraction so that you can listen intently to the "voice" of God. So I looked for the right place to experience silence today. Tried the drive to work - 4AM - should be quiet, right? lots of noise, traffic noise, unintelligible, but still noise.

At work, tried the walk from security to the time clock - only about 2.5 minutes. Too many distractions. What about sitting outside at the airport between flights - about 30 minutes at one point. Lots of ambient noise again but I got earplugs this time.

At this point, I realized where the biggest distraction keeps coming from - ME! My brain, it won't shut up! Not that it has anything of importance to say. I am finding that I "talk" continuously in my head.

So it's not just about "where" I seek silence . . .

breathing - silence

2007-09-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

as a first step forward, I'm going to try to experience silence . . .

shhhhhhh . . .

I'll let you know how it goes . . .

breathing - stepping back

2007-09-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Sep 25, 2007

In the midst of running hard and being out of rhythm, holding my breath, breathing faster, holding again, I remember feeling the need to break free from the obstacles, to gain just a bit of space. Then I could focus on regaining rhythm - in, out, in, out, tempoed, measured, deliberate. It seems silly to have to think about breathing, something my body forces me to do, something that comes "natural", but so often we find ourselves in that place. Our breathing has been interrupted by events around us and, unless we focus, we cannot get back into rhythm.

Has your mom ever told you when you were upset, just sit down and breathe slowly, deeply. Or at the end of a race, crossing the finish line, you would walk with your arms over your head telling yourself "breathe deep, breathe deep" (I was usually laying flat on the ground while my competitors were looking over me, sipping on refreshing beverages, hair neatly combed again - what's with that!) So this is what I'm doing - taking the step back, reminding myself of how to breathe, and slowly . . . deeply . . . deliberately . . . breathing.

A guy named Dallas Willard wrote a book about breathing, well, he called it the Spirit of the Disciplines, but he cold've called it Breathing. He talks about how to breathe as a way of life, to incorporate spiritual disciplines into the flow of life. He looks at different ways in which we breathe and lists them as activities of "abstinence" or of "engagement" - ways in which we withhold from things or ways in which we intentionally participate.

As I relearn/rethink breathing, this seems like a good framework for me. Ways of abstaining - solitude, silence, fasting, things like these. This is where I'll begin, stepping back, seeking to understand solitude, and hoping to regain a rhythm of breathing.

breathing - out of breath

2007-09-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

Sep 24, 2007

I've been feeling out of sync lately, out of rhythm . . . out of breath. I'm not sure why - the kids are all teenagers, Katie started at the high school this year and will be driving soon, we searched for and changed locations for our weekly gatherings, cut back on my time at the airport and am starting to do more landscaping, increasing list of home and yard "to do's", three flat tires in 2 months (four if you count the one growing around my waist), leaking fuel injectors and slipping clutch, twisted knee, my dog's hips are going out (no replacements forthcoming btw), the other dog is deaf, and . . . and . . . hold it, let me catch my breath . . .

I used to like to watch the steeplechase in the Olympics (though I never saw the steeple they were chasing) because these guys would seem to effortlessly fly over all of these obstacles - water holes, hurdles, large rocks, people with swords - it was crazy! My life, metaphorically, seems to resemble a steeplechase and it isn't quite so effortless. Now I remember those days in high school when I used to run or play ball. I remember what it felt like to run hard and even (somewhat) fast and still feel good, energized. There was a rhythm to my running, my breathing, and I felt like I was gliding. I also remember times when that rhythm was interrupted - obstacles, bumping others, changing directions - it was much harder, I struggled, and I sought that rhythm of breathing.

Right now, my breathing is out of rhythm.

I am seeking rhythmic breathing (which is nothing like rhythmic dancing and the music is far better), breathing that sustains and energizes, that provides and propels. Breathing God, so to speak. Often we look to the "spiritual disciplines" for such breathing but equally as often these become things we do outside of and isolated from life, breaking rhythm, like sucking on an inhaler for a momentary fix, correction. I feel compelled to start here because beleivers throughout history have found life and breath in them. But how can I allow them to be my oxygen, not my inhaler, my every breath, not an occassional theraputic breath . . . every breath.

This is where I am. Follow if you'd like as I blog this journey in learning to breathe.